Procrastination Reaches Epidemic Levels: Deadline for Solutions Pushed to Next Week

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The National Organization for Productivity and Efficiency (NOPE) has declared that procrastination has reached epidemic levels across the United States. However, due to a series of delays, the official response has been postponed until “sometime next week.”

Dr. Anita Minutemoore, head researcher at NOPE, held a press conference to announce the findings but arrived 45 minutes late, citing “a few things that came up.” She detailed how the crisis has affected workplaces, schools, and even Congress. “We initially planned to release this report three years ago, but, well, you know how it is,” she admitted while shuffling through a stack of unfinished research papers.

The report outlines a troubling trend: individuals across all demographics are experiencing an increased inability to complete tasks in a timely manner. The phenomenon, dubbed PPS (Perpetual Pending Syndrome) has led to record-setting workplace delays, a national shortage of completed to-do lists, and a sharp rise in people setting 15 alarms only to hit snooze on all of them.

Government officials were quick to acknowledge the crisis but even quicker to defer action. The Senate’s Committee on Urgent Matters, chaired by Senator Dilly Dallerson, issued a statement reading, “We take this issue very seriously and will begin discussions as soon as we finalize last year’s budget. Er, the year before that.”

Meanwhile, the CDC is considering classifying procrastination as a public health emergency, though they admitted the final decision has been “tabled for now.” Experts say one possible solution is setting clear deadlines and sticking to them, but no one seems motivated enough to enforce them.

In the meantime, Americans are encouraged to take personal responsibility. “We all need to take action,” said Dr. Minutemoore. “Not today, obviously. But maybe next week. Or next month. I don’t know, we’ll figure it out.”

For now, the country remains focused on solutions, or at least thinking about thinking about them.