Putin’s New Year’s Resolution: Apologize Without Admitting Anything
MOSCOW—In a surprise announcement that left Kremlin-watchers scratching their fur hats, Russian President Vladimir Putin has unveiled his 2025 New Year’s resolution: “To apologize without admitting anything.”
The move, described by insiders as “classic Putin,” aims to repair Russia’s strained relationships without, you know, actually taking responsibility for anything. “It’s the perfect strategy,” said Sergei Ivanov, a high-ranking official who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “He can look contrite while continuing to annex the moral high ground—literally and figuratively.”
In his annual press conference, Putin demonstrated his new approach. When asked about Russia’s involvement in various international incidents, he nodded solemnly and said, “Mistakes may have been made. Who made them? That is not important. The important thing is we regret that you misunderstood our actions.”
The resolution is reportedly inspired by Western leaders’ apologies for “historic injustices” that involve neither reparations nor actual contrition. “Why should they have all the fun?” Putin reportedly quipped to his inner circle.
Critics have labeled the resolution as “gaslighting on steroids.” Ukrainian officials were particularly unimpressed. “An apology without accountability is like offering borscht without the beetroot,” said one Kyiv diplomat. “It’s empty, and frankly, a little insulting.”
Russian citizens, however, seem to be embracing the idea. State media has rolled out a nationwide campaign encouraging people to adopt the Kremlin-approved apology style in their daily lives. The slogan? “Say Sorry, Stay Sovereign.”
Examples of the campaign include a public service announcement featuring a driver who cuts off another car and then yells, “I deeply regret your inability to anticipate my superior driving skills.”
Meanwhile, international leaders are reportedly bracing for an onslaught of non-apologies. Germany’s chancellor, in a rare moment of exasperation, told reporters, “If Putin sends me a ‘Sorry for the invasion, but you provoked it’ card, I’m framing it.”
As the world rings in 2025, one thing is clear: Putin’s resolution may not resolve much—but it’s bound to keep things interesting.
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