Recall Your Appetite: Everything We’re Eating is Officially Dangerous

At this point, it feels like anything you buy from the grocery store could come with a hidden danger. Just the other day, a recall notice for Smooth-Tie Pasta hit the news—because the noodles themselves were found to be made of some mysterious, unidentified substance. The company didn’t clarify what it was, but they strongly advised consumers to toss the box, just in case it was definitely something harmful. Meanwhile, Breadious Toast, the once-innocent sliced bread that promises to give you the perfect toast every time, has been yanked from shelves due to traces of carbon monoxide. That’s right, folks—bread was gassing people all along.

And don’t get too comfortable in the snack aisle, either. ChocoFlakes—the beloved cereal many of us grew up with—was recently recalled after tests revealed it was being secretly “enhanced” with traces of helium. According to the recall notice, one bite could cause a sudden, uncontrollable high-pitched voice. So, if you’ve been wondering why your children started sounding like chipmunks after breakfast, now you know why. To make matters worse, the company behind Bubbly Bites—the fizzy candy that practically bubbles with joy—has issued a recall after reports of the sugar crystals combusting in pockets. Apparently, “sparkle bursts” is less of a catchy marketing term and more of an explosive warning.

But it’s not just your sweet tooth or carb cravings that are at risk. Take VeggieTenders, the “healthy” frozen vegetable strips. They were recently recalled because the strips—unbeknownst to consumers—contained traces of heavy metals. The company issued a statement saying they were trying to “enhance the metallic crunch,” but unfortunately, it seems they overdid it. Even canned goods are getting the axe, with Mighty Munch Beans being recalled after reports of misbehavior in the canning process—leading to jars that bulged suspiciously like they were storing miniature balloons.

It’s a grim reality: food is no longer the safe haven we once knew. With every aisle seeming more perilous than the last, maybe it’s time to rethink our approach to eating altogether. Forget the grocery store—perhaps it’s time to live off the one thing that hasn’t been recalled yet: air. It’s always fresh, always free, and doesn’t come with a “may contain traces of Listeria” warning. Stay safe, folks, and maybe just stick to sipping some water for the next few decades. At least that’s probably fine, for now.