Remote Employee Claims to Hear Whale Song Outside His Window, Coworkers Confirm He Might Be Living in Bikini Bottom
Plankton’s work-from-home day took an unexpected turn when a whale dropped by for a surprise performance.
In what experts are calling “the most aquatic work-from-home incident since that one guy’s goldfish joined a Zoom call,” remote data analyst Andre [last name withheld because HR asked nicely] briefly disrupted a virtual meeting Thursday afternoon after reporting that he heard “a whale singing” outside his home office.
According to coworkers, the statement was met with a mix of curiosity, concern, and immediate SpongeBob memes. “He went totally silent for a few minutes,” said one colleague. “Then he returned and said, ‘No. It was just a big fish.’ Which, if we’re being honest, only raised more questions.”
The confusion rippled through the team’s Teams chatbox like an undersea tremor. One employee asked if Andre had perhaps mistaken his neighbor’s bass for a bass, while another wanted to know whether the “big fish” had filled out a loan application.
But the true chaos began when someone pointed out that Andre bears an uncanny resemblance to Plankton, the one-eyed scheming villain from SpongeBob SquarePants. “Once that comparison hit the group chat,” said one team member, “there was no going back. We all just assumed he lives in a chum bucket right across from the Krusty Krab.”
Rumors quickly surfaced that Andre’s “big fish” sighting may have been none other than Larry the Lobster doing laps for leg day. Others speculated that his Wi-Fi interference was due to “jellyfish signals” or a rogue bubble beam. Several coworkers claimed their Microsoft Teams messages began to pixelate into bubbles, though this may have been a coincidence…or divine irony.
Attempts to reach Andre for further comment were unsuccessful. When asked via chat if he truly lived under the sea, he didn’t respond. Then a meme appeared in the chat only with the SpongeBob time card screenshot: “10 minutes later…”
Company insiders say this isn’t the first aquatic incident to plague the team of analysts. One anonymous employee recalled an earlier meeting where a mysterious bubbling noise could be heard every time Andre unmuted himself. “We thought it was coffee brewing,” said the source, “but now I’m not so sure. I think his Keurig might actually be a blowhole.”
Meanwhile, the company’s HR department has released a short statement assuring staff that any “marine anomalies” will be reviewed under the new Remote Work Habitat Compliance policy, Section 37: “Employees must not reside in tide pools, coral reefs, or secret underwater laboratories shaped like buckets.”
As of press time, Andre was last seen recalibrating his data visualization software, which now appears to display charts in “bubbles per second.” Colleagues report he’s also added a suspiciously large periscope behind his webcam.
When asked if The Wink Report could schedule a follow-up interview, one coworker simply said, “We’ll have to wait until high tide.”
Until then, the data remains inconclusive, but one thing’s certain: somewhere between spreadsheets and sonar, a humble analyst may have finally bridged the gap between humanity and Bikini Bottom.
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