Report: 74% of Thanksgiving Fights Start With the Phrase “Not to Make This Political, But…“
Thanksgiving Takes a Turn: Moments before someone yelled, “Not to make this political, but…,” the nation’s most chaotic family feast erupted into war.
In a groundbreaking study released just in time for the annual Great American Family Food-Fight Festival, researchers have confirmed that 74% of all Thanksgiving arguments begin with the phrase, “Not to make this political, but…”
The study, conducted by the Institute of Holiday Behavior & Emotional Damage, analyzed over 10,000 Thanksgiving dinners dating back to 1997, the year Aunt Cheryl first discovered talk radio and never emotionally returned.
According to lead researcher Dr. Elliot Gourdsmith, the phrase “not to make this political, but…” functions as a psychological tripwire. “When someone says it,” Dr. Gourdsmith explained, “what they actually mean is, ‘I am absolutely about to make this political, and no one at this table is ready for what’s coming.’”
The report outlines a predictable sequence of events:
- Someone casually mentions gas prices, the weather, or how moist the turkey is.
- Uncle Ron inhales deeply, like a vacuum powering up.
- He mutters the fatal words.
- The dinner table shifts from “pass the gravy” to “DEFCON 2” in under four seconds.
The remaining 26% of Thanksgiving fights, according to the report, stem from the following additional triggers:
- Someone bringing up how the mashed potatoes are “different this year”
- A cousin announcing a new diet
- The family dog stealing the rolls
- Someone claiming the canned cranberry sauce is “superior” in taste and texture
- Whether a 3:00 PM dinner is “dinner” or “lunch”
But the political one remains the undisputed champion.
One anonymous participant recounted last year’s meltdown: “It started with, ‘Not to make this political, but I think turkeys are being raised differently now.’ And the next thing we knew, Grandma was threatening to revoke dessert privileges from the entire left side of the table.”
In the study’s most shocking finding, researchers discovered the phrase even derails dinners where no one present has any political opinions whatsoever. “One family in Nebraska hadn’t watched the news since 2006,” the report stated. “Yet the argument still escalated into a full-scale debate about zoning laws and who gets to keep the good Tupperware.”
To help Americans prepare, the Institute issued a list of recommended countermeasures:
- Stuff your mouth with rolls the moment anyone begins the phrase.
- Distract the table by shouting, “OH MY GOD, IS THAT SMOKE?” even if nothing is burning.
- Encourage the dog to knock something over.
- Begin loudly giving thanks for extremely specific objects, like “the good scissors.”
As for avoiding Thanksgiving conflict entirely, researchers offered one final strategy:
Eat in separate rooms.
Stay safe this holiday, America. And remember, it’s not political if no one hears you over the sound of a blender full of gravy.
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