Research Shows: Plugging in Phone Helps Battery Last Longer
The moment just before she texts, "My phone's about to die, can you pick me up?", despite the charger being right next to her.
In a shocking revelation that has sent teenagers and tech enthusiasts reeling, the Institute of Obvious Studies has released a groundbreaking report confirming that plugging a phone into a charger can, in fact, help the battery last longer.
The study, which took over three years and an undisclosed amount of taxpayer money that could have been used for literally anything else, involved testing more than 10,000 smartphones in conditions ranging from casual TikTok scrolling to extreme “I accidentally left YouTube autoplay running for 14 hours” scenarios. Lead researcher Dr. Rick Obviousson, fresh off his previous viral study proving that readers of the article are alive, shared the findings with reporters:
“We noticed a trend. Phones that were plugged into a charger didn’t die as quickly as phones that weren’t. It was subtle at first, but after extensive testing, we can now confidently say charging a phone helps keep it from shutting off. You’re welcome, humanity.”
The revelation has struck a particular chord with parents of teenagers, many of whom report receiving multiple daily, sometimes hourly, notifications from their Life360 apps reading, “Child’s phone battery below 5%,” despite chargers being located literally everywhere.
One frustrated mother in Michigan told The Wink Report, “My daughter has three chargers: one in her room, one in her backpack, and one in the car. She will still sit in the living room at 2% battery, sigh dramatically, and then ask if I can drive her to Starbucks ‘before it dies.’”
Social media reaction has been mixed. Gen Z users are skeptical, with one teen tweeting, “This is Cap. My phone dies because the universe is against me, not because I didn’t charge it.” Meanwhile, older generations have responded with a resounding “We knew this already,” followed by smugly holding up their fully charged flip phones.
The study also debunked several popular battery myths, including:
- Yelling at your phone does not increase battery life.
- Placing your phone in the sun does not “absorb solar energy.”
- Asking your phone nicely to ‘just make it until I get home’ only works 3% of the time.
Dr. Obviousson hinted at his next project, tentatively titled “Groundbreaking Report Reveals Leaving Dishes in Sink Does Not Make Them Clean.” Early reports suggest teenagers are already planning to ignore those findings as well.
In the meantime, the Institute of Obvious Studies encourages the public to experiment with this revolutionary new practice: plugging in your phone before it hits 1%. They claim the results could be “life-changing, or at least phone-life changing,” though admit the nation’s 14-year-olds remain unconvinced.
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