REVIEW: Borcher’s AuSable Canoe & Kayak; The River Ride That Ruined My Career in Competitive Lounging
Walter Winkwink attempts serenity but achieves only sideways travel and amphibian judgment on the Au Sable River. 5-star float. Zero directional control.
By Walter Winkwink | Certified Sit-Down Enthusiast
When I booked a kayak through Borcher’s AuSable Canoe and Kayak, I expected a gentle float down Michigan’s prettiest river while contemplating life’s big questions, like “Why do fish blink sideways?” and “What if I invented waterproof ham?”
Instead, what I got was four hours of nature aggressively flirting with me while my arms did CrossFit without consent.
Upon arrival at Borcher’s, a suspiciously adorable riverside establishment in Grayling, Michigan, I was greeted by Justin, the owner, who smiled like a man who’s either incredibly kind or quietly leading a kayak-themed enlightenment cult. Either way, I trusted him immediately. That’s how they get you.
The staff walked us through the process with unsettling efficiency: paddles here, life jackets there, “try not to scream if you see a crane.” I nodded, pretending to be brave while mentally Googling “can fish smell fear.”
The equipment was pristine. Too pristine. It raised suspicions. Is Borcher’s secretly laundering kayaks for high-society squirrels? Possibly. These things glided like they were fueled by the dreams of retired lifeguards. I don’t trust that kind of grace.
The float itself? Utterly gorgeous. Birds chirped in surround sound, the sun filtered through the towering pines like a Disney+ screensaver, and a bald eagle winked at me. Twice. At one point, I made prolonged eye contact with a frog who looked like he knew things. That amphibian had seen some stuff. My only complaint: I didn’t tip over even once. What kind of customer service is that?
The river was so calm I started to wonder if it was staged. Like maybe Justin hires underwater staff to hold the current steady. I wouldn’t put it past him. He has the logistical energy of a man who alphabetizes raindrops.
Bob’s family paddled with joy and athleticism. I paddled with the enthusiasm of a man trying to stir soup. I drifted sideways for an hour. No one rescued me. That’s the kind of freedom Borcher’s offers. Freedom to fail beautifully.
By the time we reached Stephan Bridge, I was spiritually lighter, emotionally damp, and sun-kissed in ways my dermatologist never approved. I emerged from the kayak a changed man, ready to either write poetry about moss or apply to be a river hermit.
Final Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Five stars. Would give a sixth if Justin let me name a sandbar after myself.
WARNING: Booking with Borcher’s may cause intense appreciation for nature, mild delusions of river-based grandeur, and recurring dreams about Justin handing you a paddle and whispering, “You’re ready now.”
Book your own tranquil brainwashing at canoeborchers.com. Tell them Walter sent you. Or don’t. They’ll know.
Yelp Review: Borcher’s AuSable Canoe & Kayak
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Reviewed by: Cheddar T. Damson, Verified Beaver
As a semi-aquatic civil engineer with generational roots in this region, I don’t normally endorse human activities on my river. But Borcher’s? Different story.
First of all, the kayaks are smooth, sleek, and barely disturb my stick-stacking workflow. Not once did I hear someone yell “YOLO” while crashing into my dam. That’s rare.
The owner, Justin, waved at me once. WITH RESPECT. Didn’t try to domesticate me. Didn’t accuse me of chewing his paddle. Just good vibes and dry humor (unlike his customers).
I counted 37 satisfied paddlers, 4 awkward floaters, and 1 confused man filming a motivational speech to a frog. Classic Borcher’s clientele. That’s what we like to see.
As a beaver, I value peace, craftsmanship, and not being chased with pool noodles. Borcher’s delivers all three.
Only downside? No wood-based loyalty program. I’d float more often if I got a punch card for every log I donated to the ecosystem.
Final Verdict:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ – Five stars, plus one tail slap of approval.
I’d build a dam here again anytime.
📍Located just downstream of Great Vibes & Slightly Offbeat Humans
Cheddar T. Damson – 5th generation dam artisan | SwampCon panelist | BarktoberFest winner, 2019
Yelp Review: Borcher’s AuSable Canoe & Kayak
⭐️⭐️
Reviewed by: Cypress “No Wake Zone” Damson, Unimpressed Beaver & Regional Curmudgeon
Look, I don’t usually leave reviews. Mostly because I don’t believe in the internet or happiness. But after another weekend of my river getting hijacked by sunscreen-slicked humans with snack bags, coolers of beer, and Bluetooth speakers blasting yacht rock, I’m filing a formal complaint.
BORCHER’S. That’s right, Justin. I see you.
First, the kayaks are too quiet. How am I supposed to defend my territory when you’re out here making watercraft that glide like ninja platypuses? Back in my day, canoes made noise. Respectful, lumber-scraping noise.
Second, the clientele. Ugh. One guy yelled “YOLO!” while dropping a can of LaCroix. A child asked if I was “just a wet squirrel.” And some guy named Walter kept drifting into my dam like it was a kissing booth. Sir, I do NOT consent to structural intimacy.
Also, stop waving. I’m not waving back. I’m slapping the water to warn you. It’s a threat display, not an invitation to Snapchat me.
The only reason I’m giving two stars instead of one is because Justin offered me a granola bar once and called me “a distinguished architect.” That man knows how to butter a bark.
Final Verdict:
⭐️⭐️ – Two stars. I came for the solitude. I left with PTSD (Paddler-Trauma Stress Disorder).
Cypress “No Wake Zone” Damson
President of the Au Sable Riverbank Preservation Grumps
Author of “Get Off My Log: A Manifesto”
Currently rebuilding my dam for the third time this month.
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