RFK Jr. Blames Chronic Diseases on Pizza Rolls; Americans Blame RFK Jr. for Ruining Pizza Rolls

In a bold, crusty statement at a campaign rally-turned-dinner-theater, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed that America’s chronic disease epidemic can be traced directly to one sinister source: pizza rolls. “Big Pizza has been lying to us for decades,” Kennedy declared, holding up a bag of Totino’s as if it were Exhibit A in a courtroom drama. “The filling? Questionable. The crust? Suspicious. And don’t even get me started on the microwave instructions. They’re a public health hazard!”

Kennedy, who is rapidly becoming the patron saint of eyebrow-raising theories, went on to allege that the gooey, molten centers of pizza rolls are “specifically engineered to disrupt human DNA.” He did not provide evidence, but he did brandish a slightly burnt pizza roll, which he referred to ominously as “a micro-toxic Trojan Horse.”

Naturally, Americans were outraged—not by the alleged health risks, but by the audacity of a politician to criticize their beloved pocket-sized culinary treasures. “Who does this guy think he is?” said Anita Burntung, a suburban mom from Iowa clutching a plate of pizza rolls like they were her last meal. “First, they came for the vaccines, and I said nothing. Now they’re coming for my pizza rolls? Over my dead, sodium-filled body!”

Social media exploded with rebuttals. #DoughmesticDispute trended for 48 hours, with memes likening RFK Jr. to the Grinch stealing pizza from an office party. A Change.org petition titled “RFK Jr. Must Publicly Apologize to Pizza Rolls” garnered over 1 million signatures, with signatories demanding reparations in the form of free marinara dipping sauce.

Totino’s even released a statement: “While we respect all Americans’ dietary choices, we categorically deny that pizza rolls are anything other than delicious. Also, we’re pretty sure you’re supposed to blow on them before eating. That’s just common sense.”

RFK Jr., undeterred, has hinted at expanding his culinary blame game, with whispers of an upcoming exposé on bagel bites. America holds its breath—and its microwavable snacks.