Rich People Now Using Middle Class as Coasters: A New Low in the Wealth Gap
In today’s exciting episode of “The Rich Get Richer,” billionaires have moved past yachts and space exploration to their newest pastime: creatively using the middle class as coasters for their martinis. Experts say it’s a bold move, but one that underscores the ever-growing divide between the ultra-wealthy and, well, everyone else.
While the rest of us are debating whether heating or eating should take priority this winter, Jeff Bozos just purchased a solid gold asteroid because he felt like it. His spokesperson clarified, “Jeff doesn’t really need it. He just thought it might make a nice paperweight. For his other paperweights.”
Meanwhile, the middle class—once the backbone of society—is now the backbone of luxury trends. According to a recent report, hedge fund managers have started betting on how long average families can survive on a single can of soup. Spoiler alert: it’s not long.
“This is just good fun,” said billionaire Miles Highworth, as he lounged on a couch made entirely of expired health insurance claims. “It’s not our fault people can’t afford basic necessities. Have they tried not being poor?”
At the same time, inflation has hit historic highs, with eggs now costing roughly the same as a semester at Harvard. Speaking of which, Ivy League schools are reportedly working on a new “lower-income scholarship” that covers one textbook, provided students submit a 300-page essay titled “Why My Poverty Inspires Me”.
Of course, the wealthy insist they’re doing their part. After all, some of them are trickling down their wealth—by buying second, third, and fourth vacation homes, thereby keeping the real estate market spicy for us plebs. “We stimulate the economy,” said Billionaire Number 47. “You’re welcome.”
As for the rest of us? Don’t worry! The government has stepped in with a cutting-edge solution: suggesting everyone “tighten their belts.” Great advice, except belts are now $400 each.
In the end, the rich continue to get richer, and everyone else continues to get…creative. Now excuse me while I list my organs on Etsy.
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