Richest 1% Accidentally Buy Entire Concept of Hope, Jack Up Price
Billionaire wins auction for “HOPE” as crowd of wealthy bidders cheer, unaware of the desperate man outside still paying off his student loans from 1997.
Described by economists as “capitalism’s final boss fight,” the richest 1% have accidentally acquired the entire global supply of hope, then immediately raised its price by 400%.
The purchase, which began as a misunderstanding involving a hedge fund algorithm, started when billionaire investor Banksley McWealthgrab attempted to buy shares in a startup called Hopify, a subscription-based emotional uplift app for people stuck in traffic. Unfortunately, the algorithm misread “hope” as a commodity and executed a hostile takeover of the abstract human condition.
By the time regulators caught on, hope had already been bundled, collateralized, and auctioned off at a silent gala on a floating champagne platform in the Mediterranean. Jeff Bezos reportedly won a bidding war for “childhood dreams,” while Elon Musk acquired “believing things will get better soon,” claiming he might install it on Mars “if the vibes are right.”
The general public, once granted free access to hope via sunsets, art, and pep talks from their barista, must now purchase “Hope+ Premium”, a tiered subscription offering glimmers of optimism starting at $49.99/month (plus fees, taxes, and optional soul).
Users on the free version report bugs, including pop-up messages like “You are not currently subscribed to a livable future. Would you like to upgrade?”
Those earning under $40K annually are instead offered HopeBasic, a limited-access plan that includes faint urges to check job listings at 3 am and the legally required minimum of three inspirational quotes per week (unskippable).
Meanwhile, tech moguls insist the acquisition is for the greater good.
“We’re simply decentralizing access to hope,” said McWealthgrab, while sipping ethically-sourced glacier tears. “Everyone still gets hope. We’ve just added shareholder value.”
Critics argue the move is part of a larger trend of privatizing existential necessities, following recent buyouts of “purpose,” “affordable housing,” and “moments of silence.”
The United Nations issued a strongly worded letter printed on recycled disappointment, urging the wealthy elite to consider donating at least 4% of their surplus hope back to the public. So far, only Taylor Swift has responded, offering a coupon code for half-off metaphors during her next album cycle.
Meanwhile, Americans are left scrounging for bootleg optimism, often found scribbled in sidewalk chalk or hidden inside old fortune cookies. One Michigan man was arrested for attempting to steal secondhand hope from a used bookstore.
As of press time, hope futures are up 16% on Wall Street, while morale has been downgraded to “junk status.”
More Stories from The Wink Report
- Luxury Subterranean Real Estate: Now with Enhanced Ventilation!
Homebuyers are finally breathing easier, literally, as the ultra-rich unveil bunker upgrades that include fresh air, scented panic rooms, and artisanal doomsday vents. - Welcome to the Company! Here’s Your Pay Cut and a Mug That Says “Teamwork”
When the company trims salaries and hands out mugs that scream “Teamwork,” you realize the real perk is learning to keep your resentment lukewarm and caffeinated. - Corporate Giants Merge to Form Monopoly Inc.: Board Game Now a Documentary
Corporate overlords have fused into Monopoly Inc., literally turning the world’s favorite board game into a business empire, and now we’re watching greed go full HD on the silver screen.
About The Author
