Santa Outsourced to Amazon; North Pole Becomes Fulfillment Center
Santa Claus adjusts to his new role as Senior Seasonal Fulfillment Associate at Amazon North Pole Division, while elves grapple with mandatory barcode quotas and the loss of candy cane breaks.
NORTH POLE – In a shocking but entirely predictable move, Santa Claus has officially outsourced Christmas to Amazon, citing “crippling supply chain issues, elf union demands, and a disturbing number of handwritten lists requesting NFTs.”
The North Pole, once a magical hub of cheer and questionable labor practices, has been rebranded as Amazon Fulfillment Center #XM45-JOLLY. Elves now wear beige vests with barcodes, Mrs. Claus has been reassigned to the Returns Department, and Dasher and Blitzen were seen hauling a Prime delivery drone through a blizzard with tears in their eyes.
“This wasn’t an easy decision,” Santa muttered, wiping cookie crumbs from his beard. “But have you ever tried getting a PS5 to Kazakhstan without Prime One-Day Air? I’m not a miracle worker.”
According to leaked memos (found wedged inside a mislabeled stocking in Toledo), the deal was orchestrated by an AI logistics system known only as Corrector-9000, a “totally harmless,” definitely-not-evil protocol designed to streamline holiday cheer into a data-driven inventory event. Anyone who refers to it as “an ominous foreshadowing of global automation gone too far” is immediately flagged for late delivery penalties.
Key upgrades to the Amazonized North Pole include:
- The Naughty/Nice List has been digitized, monetized, and compromised. Children can now subscribe to “Nice+ Premium” for expedited forgiveness and free wish returns.
- Reindeer Stable renamed to Prime Animal Housing, available for tours through Amazon’s new Holiday Metaverse Package (MetaHat sold separately).
- All Christmas magic has been converted into same-day shipping credits.
One anonymous former elf whistleblower (now living under protective custody in a Dollar Tree stockroom) claims the true purpose of the transition is to convert joy into metrics. “They’re measuring sleigh bells in KPIs now,” he sobbed. “They made me log my candy cane breaks. Who are we?”
When asked for comment, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos released a brief statement, “Ho. Ho. Hold my stock price.”
As this holiday season ramps up, experts warn consumers to beware of algorithm-assigned gifts, autocorrected wish lists, and seasonal drones that may or may not whisper motivational slogans in Latin.
Sources suggest Santa has one final secret up his sleeve, possibly a glitch in the system, or a rogue snowman army. But for now, one thing is clear:
The only thing coming down your chimney this year is a tracking number.
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