Santa’s Elves Join Union, Demand Overtime for Wrapping Naughty List Coal
The North Pole’s frosty tranquility was shattered this week as Santa’s elves formed their first-ever union, the “Federation of Elfin Laborers and Yule Specialists” (FELYS). Their inaugural demand? Overtime pay for wrapping coal for the naughty list—an admittedly booming enterprise in the age of social media influencers and tax-evading billionaires.
“This isn’t the 1800s,” said Blinky Hollywink, FELYS spokesperson, during a press conference held in Santa’s workshop breakroom. “We’re not just a bunch of happy-go-lucky laborers here to make toys for free. Coal-wrapping is dirty, soul-crushing work. You ever try tying a bow on a piece of anthracite while Mariah Carey blasts on loop? It’s not very merry.”
The elves claim the coal business has quadrupled since the rise of TikTok pranks, cryptocurrency scams, and the Real Housewives franchise. “Last year, we had to rent storage space for the coal! Santa’s got the ‘nice’ list elves playing ping-pong while we’re in here, choking on soot,” said Jingles McTinsel, a veteran coal-wrapping specialist.
Santa, who traditionally eschews public statements, released a rare response through his attorney Eben E. Zir, Esq. “Santa values all his employees, naughty or nice. However, unionizing threatens the very magic of Christmas. Also, the elves’ proposal for a 25% increase in cookie breaks is entirely unrealistic.”
Rumors suggest Mrs. Claus has been secretly supporting the union. “Let’s just say she’s been slipping us gingerbread lattes during our ‘unauthorized’ bathroom breaks,” winked Gumdrop Sparklefeet, a senior elf who claims Mrs. Claus is tired of scrubbing coal dust out of Santa’s suits.
The elves have also demanded mental health days, citing psychological trauma from handling the names of repeat offenders. “Do you know how many times we’ve wrapped coal for Elon Musk? It’s like Groundhog Day!”
Negotiations continue, but FELYS isn’t budging. “If Santa doesn’t meet our demands by Christmas Eve, we’re walking out,” said Hollywink, holding up a sign that read, ‘Ho Ho No! We Want Dough!’
If the strike proceeds, kids around the world may wake up to unwrapped presents—and billionaires might finally learn what accountability feels like.
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