Scientists Confirm Children Only Access Imagination During Wi-Fi Outages, Nation Declares State of Playmergency
Researchers observe a rare imagination outbreak after the experimental Wi-Fi router is disconnected.
In a startling development that has sent shockwaves through the Department of Juvenile Shenanigans, researchers have confirmed that modern children possess fully functional imaginations, but only when the Wi-Fi stops working and civilization collapses for approximately 90 seconds.
The study, conducted by the National Institute of Pretendology, monitored 300 children placed inside a controlled environment containing action figures, crayons, cardboard boxes, and a suspiciously judgmental teddy bear. For six hours, the children ignored all objects and stared reverently at glowing rectangles. However, when scientists unplugged the router, events took a dramatic turn.
“Within moments, one child declared the carpet was lava,” reported lead scientist Professor Milo Dinglewatt, still visibly shaken. “Another knighted a spoon. A third began narrating an epic saga about a sock kingdom under siege by the Empire of Dust Bunnies. Frankly, we weren’t prepared for this level of narrative infrastructure.”
Footage shows researchers scrambling for safety as spontaneous imagination spread rapidly between subjects. One child constructed a fortress from couch cushions and demanded tribute in graham crackers. Another recruited a houseplant into military service. A third invented an invisible friend who immediately filed taxes and bought property with a 50-year mortgage.
Parents observing from behind reinforced glass reportedly wept softly. “I haven’t seen her pretend since 2019,” whispered one mother as her daughter galloped past riding a mop. “She just appointed the vacuum cleaner as mayor.”
The experiment ended abruptly when Wi-Fi service was restored. All imaginative activity ceased mid-adventure. The mop horse collapsed. The sock kingdom fell silent. The graham-cracker tribute system dissolved into regulatory confusion. Children returned to their screens as if nothing had happened, some reportedly asking, “What’s a carpet?”
Experts now believe imagination operates like an ancient emergency protocol embedded deep within the child brain, labeled BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF BUFFERING.
Tech companies have issued statements assuring the public they are working tirelessly to prevent future outbreaks. One spokesperson warned that prolonged imagination exposure could result in “unsupervised creativity,” “independent storytelling,” and, in extreme cases, “children going outside voluntarily.”
Government officials are urging calm but have quietly begun stockpiling board games in undisclosed bunkers.
Recommended Emergency Protocol for Parents
In response to the findings, experts have released official preparedness guidelines for households wishing to responsibly reintroduce imagination into their homes:
Step 1: Casually unplug router. Do not make eye contact.
Step 2: When children look confused, shrug and say, “Huh. Weird.”
Step 3: Retreat slowly and observe from a safe distance as creativity begins forming primitive civilizations.
Step 4: If a child appoints you Royal Dragon Keeper, accept the role with dignity.
Step 5: Under no circumstances restore Wi-Fi until at least one quest has been completed and a couch cushion kingdom established.
Officials stress that imagination exposure is harmless and may even result in laughter, storytelling, and spontaneous cardboard engineering. However, parents are warned that prolonged outages could lead to side effects such as children inventing board games, building forts, or asking grandparents what life was like “in the Before Times.”
Researchers say the key is moderation. “You don’t want to overwhelm them,” Professor Dinglewatt explained. “Start with small outages. Maybe five minutes. Work up to a full quest.”
At press time, millions of parents nationwide were seen standing quietly beside routers…considering destiny.
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