Self-Checkout CEO Announces Plans to Outsource Bagging to Customers’ Children by 2025
In a groundbreaking move to redefine the art of retail convenience, the CEO of Swipe & Go Self-Checkout Systems, Darren Bagwell, announced a new initiative to outsource grocery bagging responsibilities to customers’ children. Dubbed the “Little Helpers Program,” this bold plan is set to roll out nationwide by 2025, promising to “turn family shopping trips into productive bonding moments—or at least chaotic training sessions.”
“We believe in empowering the next generation,” Bagwell declared during a press conference. “Why hire employees when every customer already brings potential labor with them? Kids love to help…and they’re free!”
Under the new policy, self-checkout machines will feature a “Junior Worker Mode,” complete with flashing lights and carnival-style sound effects to attract children like moths to a flame. Once activated, the machine will deliver clear, condescending instructions like, ‘Now, place the eggs on top of the bread. No, not the other way around.’
To sweeten the deal, participating children will earn “Cart Points” redeemable for store-brand candy that may or may not be expired. Meanwhile, parents will receive a heartfelt email thanking them for “helping us maximize shareholder value.”
Reactions from the public have been mixed. Jessica Plunkett, a mother of three, said, “I came to buy snacks, not train my 8-year-old to be the next cashier. But fine, whatever keeps him from asking for a Fortnite gift card.”
Critics argue the program exploits child labor. Bagwell dismissed such claims, stating, “It’s not labor—it’s life skills! Plus, kids are already working the iPads at restaurants; this is just the logical next step.”
Retail analysts speculate this move could signal the start of a new era, where other tasks like stocking shelves and cleaning spills are handed off to “volunteer customers.”
As Bagwell wrapped up his announcement, he teased a potential future initiative: turning shopping carts into pedal-powered conveyor belts. “Why let all that energy from chasing toddlers go to waste?”
One thing is clear: Swipe & Go isn’t just shaping the future of shopping—it’s outsourcing it, one unpaid helper at a time.
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