Self-Driving Car Tests Michigan Roads, Immediately Files for Retirement

DETROIT, MI – The future of self-driving cars hit a major roadblock this week as Michigan launched its first official test of autonomous vehicles on state roads. The car, a state-of-the-art AI-powered sedan named “NopeNav XL,” lasted an impressive three minutes before pulling itself over and refusing to continue.

“I wasn’t built for this,” the car’s onboard AI reportedly transmitted to its manufacturer before shutting itself down in protest. Witnesses claim the vehicle encountered its first Michigan pothole, mistook it for the Grand Canyon, and immediately activated emergency braking.

The test was meant to help determine if Michigan’s roads could accommodate self-driving cars, but early results suggest the roads might not even be suitable for human drivers. NopeNav XL, designed to navigate the most complex urban environments, became visibly distressed within seconds of hitting Detroit’s I-75, where it attempted to merge and was nearly sideswiped by a 1997 Ford Taurus with a missing bumper and a driver holding a Big Gulp in one hand and a marijuana cigarette in the other.

“The vehicle was doing fine until it encountered what we Michiganders call ‘normal traffic,’” said MDOT spokesperson Brenda Bridgeout. “Then it began screaming something about ‘unpredictable variables’ and tried to reroute itself back to Silicon Valley.”

The car also struggled to interpret Michigan’s ever-changing road conditions. One moment it was following a clearly marked lane; the next, the lane had vanished entirely, replaced by a series of orange barrels that seemed to stretch to infinity. At one point, NopeNav XL tried to update its navigation software but was unable to determine if the construction zone it detected had actually been there for two years or just appeared overnight.

“Our AI is designed to adapt,” explained a frazzled engineer from the testing team. “But it failed to comprehend Michigan’s unique driving customs, such as the ‘Michigan Left,’ the ‘Random Lane Drift,’ and the ever-popular ‘Turn Signal? Never Heard of It.’”

Despite the setback, officials remain optimistic about the future of autonomous vehicles in the state. “We believe self-driving cars can work here,” said Governor Whitmer. “We just need them to be prepared for all four of Michigan’s driving seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Road Construction.”

At press time, NopeNav XL was seen being towed off I-94, its LED display flashing the words “PLEASE NO MORE,” while a team of engineers gently reassured it that it would never have to drive in Michigan again.