Skyline Chili Flavored Ice Cream Accidentally Summons 3rd Portal to Hell; Satan Confused but Intrigued
CINCINNATI, OH—What began as a quirky culinary experiment ended in an unexpected cosmic phenomenon when Skyline Chili flavored ice cream accidentally opened a third portal to hell. The portal, described by witnesses as “a fiery vortex with a distinct smell of regret and processed cheese,” appeared moments after the first pint was unveiled at a local Skyline franchise.
“It was like the universe couldn’t handle the concept,” said ice cream aficionado Gary Bloop, who was sampling the flavor when the portal materialized. “One minute, I was questioning my life choices, and the next, a swirling pit of doom opened in front of me. It honestly made more sense than the ice cream.”
According to theological experts, the third portal is a rare occurrence, previously seen only during the invention of spray cheese and the release of Nickelback’s greatest hits album.
Eyewitnesses report that Satan himself emerged from the portal, initially irritated by the unannounced visit but quickly intrigued by the flavor’s bizarre profile. “I’ve tasted torment,” the Prince of Darkness reportedly said, “but this is something else. It’s both offensive and…oddly comforting?”
The diabolical dessert, a combination of Skyline Chili’s iconic beefy tang and an inexplicably creamy vanilla base, has divided public opinion. Some say it’s a bold fusion, while others call it “a crime against humanity.” Despite the controversy, sales have skyrocketed, with locals purchasing pints “just to see what the fuss is about” or “to prank their unsuspecting friends.”
Meanwhile, the portal remains open, and city officials are scrambling to contain the fallout. “It’s like trying to cork a bottle of fizzy hot sauce,” said Aftab Pureval, Cincinnati’s mayor. The portal’s swirling contents reportedly include discarded chili dog wrappers, eternal despair, and faint echoes of the phrase “Would you like a 3-way?”
Satan has since announced plans to franchise the flavor in the underworld, calling it “a bold step forward in soul-crushing innovation.” The portal is expected to close after the last pint is consumed, though some fear it may leave a permanent stain on Ohio’s reputation, and taste buds.
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