The Final Straw: Paper Tubes Leading Us to Doom

America has faced its fair share of crises; wars, economic collapses, the Great Avocado Shortage of 2019. But nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the tyranny we have endured with the requirement of using paper straws in federal buildings. It’s a slow, soggy apocalypse, and if we don’t act soon, we’ll all be sipping our iced coffees through damp toilet paper tubes while civilization crumbles around us.

For years, Americans have been forced to endure the paper straw regime in federal buildings, a cruel and unusual punishment that turns every sip into a test of endurance. At first, you think, Hey, this isn’t so bad! Then, two minutes in, your straw begins to disintegrate like a Hollywood marriage. By the time you reach the bottom of your drink, you’re frantically jamming the remains of your soggy weaponized sadness into the lid hole, praying to the beverage gods for mercy.

Of course, the real tragedy here is the devastating impact on American innovation. How can our nation lead in technological advancements when our brightest minds are spending valuable time engineering ways to make a paper straw last longer than three sips? Scientists who should be curing diseases are instead testing straws with industrial coatings stronger than a politician’s denial skills.

Opponents argue that plastic straws are a menace to marine life, but let’s be real. Fish have gills. They don’t even use straws! And if we’re truly worried about pollution, maybe we should start by looking at the multi-billion-dollar corporations dumping oil into the ocean instead of harassing the average American just trying to enjoy a milkshake without swallowing a pulpy mess.

Thankfully, President Trump has signed an executive order ending this madness in federal buildings, striking a decisive blow against Big Paper. The war isn’t over yet, but this is a major victory in the battle for beverage-based freedom.

So, drink up, America. The dark days of paper tyranny are ending, and soon, we can sip the way our Founding Fathers intended: through strong, durable, plastic tubes that will outlive us all.