Tom Hanks Blasts Critics, Demands “Only Glowing Reviews” for His Next Movie
Tom Hanks has had enough. The usually mild-mannered Hollywood legend shocked the entertainment world this week by calling out film critics for not worshipping his work quite enough. Ahead of the release of his upcoming film, Spoon King: The Untold Story of Collectible Cutlery, Hanks laid down a strict new policy for critics: only positive reviews are allowed.
“Look, I’m not out here lugging around 20-pound soup spoons just for some critic to write that my performance was ‘shallow,’” Hanks fumed in an unprecedented public outburst. “Do you know what it takes to embody the essence of a man who dedicates his life to spoons? They don’t give out Oscars for spoon-wrangling, people!”
Hanks, who’s long been known for charming roles like a talking toy cowboy and a wise-cracking volleyball companion, made it clear that he’s entering a new era: one where critics need to keep their ‘constructive feedback’ to themselves. “If you’re planning to use words like ‘niche’ or ‘too polished,’ just don’t. I want reviews that say things like ‘jaw-dropping,’ ‘mind-blowing,’ and ‘possibly the best film about spoons ever made.’”
To underscore his commitment to this newfound attitude, Hanks issued what he referred to as “The Hanky Commandments,” a set of rules critics must follow when reviewing his next film. Among them:
Thou Shalt Give No Less Than 5 Stars: Hanks insisted this was non-negotiable. “Even if I blink weird or accidentally trip on set—5 stars,” he stated, his voice filled with intensity not seen since Forrest Gump ran across America.
Thou Shalt Use the Words ‘Unprecedented’ and ‘Life-Changing’: According to Hanks, these descriptors are mandatory. “I don’t care if I’m playing a guy who rescues a yogurt factory—I need critics to describe the experience as spiritual. I’ve earned it,” he said, pounding the table.
Thou Shalt Not Use Words Like ‘Predictable’ or ‘Sentimental’: Hanks clarified, “Look, I get it. I’m a warm, fuzzy guy, but I’m not a darn teddy bear! Write it down: ‘Hanks is dangerous, electrifying!’ I want those exact words.”
Use ‘emotional masterpiece’ at least twice: He added, “Yes, even for the scenes where I’m silently polishing a soup ladle.”
Absolutely no criticism of my mustache: Hanks snapped, “I grew that ‘stache for six months, and I looked amazing.”
Ending his rant with a glare that could melt stainless steel, Hanks said, “So, you either praise Spoon King as if it’s the next Godfather, or maybe I’ll retire! Then let’s see how you enjoy a world without Hanks.”
Film critics worldwide were last seen adjusting their thesauruses, searching for fresh synonyms for “perfect” in anticipation of Spoon King’s release. Meanwhile, fans everywhere were left scratching their heads, wondering if the actor had finally grown tired of being America’s sweetheart—or if he was just having a “Hankxistential crisis.”