Too Coherent to Be Real: Writers Accused of Being AI for Knowing Grammar
AI detection systems now require users to prove their humanity by failing English on purpose.
BOOGER HOLE, WV – In a stunning turn of events, several local residents have been accused of being artificial intelligence simply for demonstrating basic writing competence online.
The controversy erupted this past weekend when Walter Winkwink, Editor-in-Chief of The Wink Report, was flagged by an AI detection bot after submitting a sentence that included both a semicolon and correctly spelled “definitely.”
“I was just trying to post a review of a sandwich,” said Winkwink. “Next thing I know, I’m being asked to verify my humanity by writing a sentence with at least three typos and one misuse of ‘your.’”
Authorities have yet to determine whether this constitutes a violation of digital citizenship, but tensions are rising.
“It’s getting harder to tell who’s real,” said Debbie Hunch, a retired librarian who now communicates entirely in lowercase haiku. “I started adding random exclamation marks to my emails just to blend in. I haven’t ended a sentence with a period in six months.”
The issue appears to stem from new anti-AI filters being adopted by major platforms. Developed by SyntaxSure, the detection algorithm flags posts with “excessive clarity,” “disturbing grammatical control,” or “concerning use of Oxford commas.”
“We’re not saying people can’t be good at writing,” said SyntaxSure CEO Gavin Detex. “We’re just saying if they are, they should learn to hide it better.”
Schools across the country are adapting by offering new courses like Intro to Sloppy Texting and Miscommunication as Performance Art. Critics argue this sets a dangerous precedent, rewarding mediocrity and penalizing literacy.
One local teenager, Brandon “B-Nugz” Frampton, disagrees. “If you can spell ‘existential,’ you’re probably not vibing hard enough. That’s just facts.”
In response to the growing paranoia, Winkwink has issued a formal statement confirming he is, in fact, “a warm-blooded person who bleeds coffee and commas,” though he admits to using spellcheck “recreationally.”
At press time, several villagers had begun intentionally misspelling their street signs in solidarity.
The Department of Human Authenticity has yet to issue a comment, mostly due to staff confusion over how to spell “authenticity.”
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