Trickle-Down Economics Has Officially Reached the Restroom
Innovation has officially gone down the drain. Bathrooms now require ad views for basic hygiene.
Let it be known, dear citizens, that humanity has finally circled the drain.
In a groundbreaking achievement for capitalism, public restrooms in parts of China have introduced a “Scan-to-Wipe” system requiring users to scan a QR code, watch an ad, and verify their identity before receiving their federally sanctioned allotment of toilet paper.
Yes, the economy has officially entered your bathroom.
According to reports, the machines dispense a modest 60 centimeters of toilet paper per person. About enough to handle a sneeze, but not a scandal. To receive more, you must scan again, wait for the system to “refresh,” and hope your dignity survives the loading screen.
Economists are hailing this as “a triumph of efficiency” and “a brilliant new way to monetize bodily autonomy.” Others, mostly those with functioning digestive systems, are calling it “the apocalypse.”
“This is simply market innovation,” said Dr. I.P. Freely, senior fellow at the Institute for Disposable Futures. “If people truly value their comfort, they’ll pay extra for the premium ‘UltraWipe+ Subscription’ tier, which includes ad-free wiping, priority access during emergencies, and a 15% coupon for deodorizing candles.”
The move has sparked a wave of imitators worldwide. Starbucks is reportedly testing a new “pay-per-sip” program where your latte costs less upfront but pauses every three gulps for an ad read from your local credit union. Six Flags is rumored to be working on a “Pay-Per-Scream” model for roller coasters, while Delta Airlines has quietly rolled out a $2 “Seatbelt Convenience Fee” for those wishing to land safely.
Not to be outdone, the U.S. government is considering a “Patriotic Flush Fee” to help fund infrastructure improvements. Citizens will soon receive an itemized receipt showing how many gallons they’ve contributed to freedom.
When asked about the ethical implications, one tech CEO responded, “We’re not monetizing people’s basic needs. We’re enhancing their bathroom journey with optional engagement opportunities.”
At press time, The Wink Report can confirm that several start-ups have already pivoted to “data-driven hygiene optimization.” Early beta testers report that the system occasionally misidentifies users, dispensing sandpaper to anyone with insufficient ad-viewing compliance.
As the world debates what’s next, one truth remains clear. The invisible hand of the market has officially wiped us all.
Walter Winkwink attempted to scan the QR code to investigate further but was denied access after the system detected “excessive journalistic curiosity.” He remains trapped in a restroom stall, waiting for customer support to arrive.
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