Trump’s “Pardon Pass” Launches for Supporters: Because Crime Should Pay, Monthly
Washington, D.C. – In a stunning, if not entirely surprising turn of events, newly elected President Trump has announced an innovative subscription plan that has the nation talking: “Pardon Passes.” For just $100 a month, Trump supporters will be able to secure what the campaign is calling “peace of mind, presidential style.”
The “Pardon Pass,” Trump explained, is like a Costco membership for anyone who’s committed a “misunderstood” felony. Subscribers will have access to a “Get-Out-of-Jail-Free” hotline, direct billing for any hush-money expenses, and a premium plan upgrade to cover tax audits. “Folks, I’m the best pardoner this country’s ever had. I’ve pardoned friends, family, folks I met once in a casino lounge – it’s a beautiful thing,” Trump said, waving a sleek, gold-plated card in front of the cameras.
The Wink Report spoke to early subscribers like Mitch O’Malley, a small business owner from Kentucky. “Look, I got a couple of unpaid parking tickets, and one or two thousand bucks that may or may not have made it off the books. For $100 a month? This is the best insurance policy I’ve ever had,” O’Malley said, adjusting his red hat with pride.
While some are questioning the ethics of the Pardon Pass, Trump’s team dismissed concerns as “totally normal behavior for a subscription model presidency.” Trump’s head of marketing, Eric Junior, added, “We plan to make pardons as accessible as Uber rides. It’s criminally convenient.”
Legal analysts, however, aren’t sold. “This is an audacious use of executive power,” said one law professor. “But then again, I wouldn’t mind a little presidential immunity for my Friday night poker games.”
So far, the Pardon Pass campaign has raised over $10 million in its first 48 hours, with Trump hinting at “bonus offers,” including a gold “Lifetime Pardon” for a one-time fee of $10,000, complete with a free round of golf at a Trump resort. With enthusiasm high, it’s clear this administration will leave no pardon behind – or for that matter, no revenue stream untapped.