Universal Basic Income Announced: Turns Out It’s Just a Free Trial That Requires a Credit Card

To finally address income inequality, world leaders have announced the launch of Universal Basic Income (UBI). But before anyone gets too excited, officials have clarified that this revolutionary program will function as a free trial for the first 30 days. After which, users will need to provide a valid credit card to continue receiving payments.

“We really want to give people a taste of financial security,” said Treasury spokesperson Linda Paywall. “But let’s be real, nothing in life is free. We figured the best way to introduce UBI is with a standard SaaS model. You get a month to enjoy it, then you can choose between our Basic, Premium, or VIP Survival plans.”

According to the terms and conditions (which are longer than most Tolkien novels), citizens who sign up for the free trial will receive a modest stipend for essentials such as rent, food, and Netflix. However, after 30 days, if they don’t upgrade their membership, their UBI will revert to the “Freemium” model, where they must watch an ad every time they withdraw money, and any transactions over $10 require completing a survey.

For those willing to splurge, the Premium plan offers an extra $200 per month but comes with mandatory product placement in daily conversations. The top-tier VIP Survival Plan guarantees livable wages, but subscribers must name their firstborn after a corporate sponsor.

Critics argue that putting financial security behind a paywall defeats the entire purpose of UBI. However, policymakers insist this is the only way to make the program “sustainable” and assure the public that “only 73% of UBI payments will go toward administrative fees, consultant salaries, and Jeff Bezos’ latest rocket.”

Meanwhile, loopholes in the fine print reveal that failure to cancel before the trial ends will automatically enroll citizens in “UBI Plus,” a service that charges them for the very money they were promised.

At press time, millions of people had already signed up, blissfully unaware they would soon be fighting with customer service bots to cancel a program designed to end financial struggles, but instead, just added another subscription fee to their list.