Welcome to the Company! Here’s Your Pay Cut and a Mug That Says “Teamwork”
To maximize shareholder value and minimize employee joy, a Fortune 100 company, whose name rhymes with “Blamazon”, has rolled out a revolutionary new compensation plan: fewer bonuses, smaller paychecks, and an inspiring ceramic mug that reads, “Teamwork Makes the Dream Work,” probably in Comic Sans.
At a recent all-hands meeting conducted over Zoom (where employees were muted “for efficiency”), the company’s Senior Vice President of Employee Disillusionment, Trent Upperworth IV, announced that the annual bonus pool would be “reimagined” as an “executive-only gratitude cascade.”
Translation: You get nothing. But your regional director is now the proud owner of a 14-seat hot tub shaped like a yacht.
Employees were reassured via a 73-slide PowerPoint deck that these changes were designed “to foster alignment and synergy,” which insiders say is corporate for “don’t ask questions.” Slide 42 included a photo of smiling interns next to a graph labeled “Moral Obedience vs. PTO Requests.”
When asked how employees were expected to cope with stagnant wages and rising inflation, Upperworth replied, “Our culture is our currency. And we’re giving out so much culture this year.”
“Our associates kept asking for ‘livable wages,’” said Deborah McSkimpy, Senior VP of Compassion Optics. “So we thought, why not make ‘unlivable’ feel…aspirational?”
The new program includes life-enhancing tools like:
- The “Budget Buddy” App, which offers helpful tips like “eat condiment packets at lunch” and “just wear extra layers instead of turning on the heat.”
- Financial Mindfulness Workshops, where employees are encouraged to reflect deeply on how money is just a social construct.
- A motivational pamphlet titled “You’re Rich in Spirit!”, which features a smiling cartoon toaster and zero actual financial advice.
Meanwhile, directors and above celebrated the cost-saving victory at a luxury retreat in Aspen, where one executive was overheard saying, “It’s hard making these tough decisions. Luckily, my masseuse really helped me process it.”
Sources confirm next year’s benefits may include a monthly “Gratitude Circle” where employees thank leadership for still technically employing them.
As for the middle class? Upperworth shrugged: “They’re more of a vibe than a reality now.”
We reached out for further comment, but received only a bounce-back email titled: “Out of Office – On My Private Island.”
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