Windows 10 Users Banned from Society, Forced to Live in Offline Colonies
Welcome to the Offline Colonies, where your laptop is too old to matter and Clippy has gone full dictator.
In a stunning display of techno-elitism disguised as “progress,” Microsoft has declared that Windows 10 users will no longer be tolerated in polite society. Starting now, anyone still using a computer that can’t “handle the majesty” of Windows 11 will be exiled to Offline Colonies, where the only refresh button is a rusty hand crank and spellcheck is just Carol yelling corrections over your shoulder.
Walter here. I just tried upgrading four; yes, FOUR; Windows 10 machines, only to be told each one is “incompatible.” Why? Because apparently, if your computer doesn’t contain a NASA-grade thermal reactor, three unicorn tears, and TPM 2.0 surgically implanted, it’s not worthy.
And what do the big box stores offer me in return?
Fifty bucks.
For machines that once ran Photoshop, carried dreams, and stored every blurry photo of my lunch since 2013.
“Your hardware is outdated,” Microsoft said, while counting its yacht propellers. “You must evolve.”
In the wake of this, thousands of citizens have been seen wandering the streets with outdated laptops strapped to their backs, desperately searching for support. Their browsers scream, their updates fail, and their printers have begun speaking Latin.
So now, like millions of digital refugees, I’ve been sentenced to the Offline Colonies, where every website loads like it’s being written by monks. We gather nightly around old Dell towers, whispering tales of when the Task Manager still worked, and mourning the loss of “right-click > properties.”
Meanwhile, Microsoft unveiled its new strategy:
“Planned Obsolescence: Now With More Gaslighting!”
Try upgrading, and you’ll be met with error messages like:
“Your CPU isn’t emotionally ready for Windows 11.”
“Did you try turning your wallet inside out?”
“We don’t support users who make eye contact with their desktop.”
When asked if Windows 12 will require human DNA to activate, a spokesperson winked and whispered,
“Only if you’re poor.”
As for me? I’ll be here in the digital wasteland, using a cracked copy of Windows 7 on a toaster with a screen, waiting for my refund check and Googling how to turn my old PC into a wind chime.
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