Zamboni Racing League Launched After NHL Fans Admit It’s Their Favorite Part of the Game

NHL fans have admitted that their favorite part of hockey isn’t the game itself, but rather the soothing spectacle of the Zamboni gliding across the ice. This confession has prompted the launch of a brand-new professional sport: the Zamboni Racing League (ZRL).

“We kept hearing from fans that they only show up for the Zamboni intermission,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, who was visibly disappointed but also relieved to finally understand why attendance spikes at intermissions. “Honestly, after watching a few Zamboni drag races in the parking lot, I get it. There’s just something hypnotic about watching a 10,000-pound machine casually zoom…well, crawl…down the ice.”

The ZRL is set to debut this fall, featuring eight teams with highly trained, speed-thirsty drivers, many of whom were recruited from the underground Zamboni racing scene that has flourished in mall parking lots across North America. “It’s about time we got recognized,” said former rogue racer Stan ‘Slow Burn’ Luggins. “People thought we were just cleaning the ice, but we were out there pushing the limits, sometimes hitting speeds of 8, maybe even 9 miles per hour.”

To add excitement, the ZRL will introduce never-before-seen racing features, such as Turbo Mode (which increases speed to a blistering 12 mph), Obstacle Courses (which include errant pucks and rogue squirrels), and Pit Stops where drivers can refuel with luke-warm coffee, stale hot dogs, and re-read their high school yearbooks to see where it all went wrong.

Sports networks have already placed massive bets on the ZRL’s success. ESPN, desperate for more late-night content, has promised full coverage, with a dedicated panel of analysts breaking down key strategies like “turning slightly left” and “going in a straight line.”

Meanwhile, NHL officials are scrambling to keep traditional hockey relevant, considering drastic changes such as banning skates or making players ride Roombas. But for now, the Zamboni Racing League is poised to become the sport of the future—slow, steady, and strangely mesmerizing.

Stay tuned for more updates, assuming the Zambonis finish their first lap by next Tuesday.