Aliens Abandon Diplomatic Mission After Meeting Earth’s Top Candidates

RACHEL, NV – In an unprecedented galactic faux pas, a UFO recently landed in the Nevada desert, where its extraterrestrial occupants made the classic demand: “Take us to your leader!” Earth, as expected, couldn’t provide a straightforward answer.

The aliens, who introduced themselves as emissaries from the Galactic Federation of Orderly Planets (GFOP), were reportedly stunned by the chaos that ensued. According to leaked audio, the first human responder, a confused tour guide from the nearby Area 51 Alien Experience Museum, offered to take them to Elvis.

“This isn’t the first time we’ve been asked this,” the tour guide admitted. “Honestly, it’s just easier to point them toward Vegas and hope they don’t come back.”

The situation escalated when a series of humans appeared to claim leadership. The governor of Nevada suggested the aliens meet with the President, but the group balked when they learned that the President’s approval rating was lower than the number of people who read “Terms and Conditions”. A passing TikTok influencer, overhearing the commotion, declared herself Earth’s true leader based on her 2.3 million followers and knack for making dance videos go viral.

“We were confused,” said Zorp, the alien delegation leader, in a statement translated by NASA’s top linguists. “On most planets, leadership is a clear concept. Here, we got Beyonce, something called the Pope, and someone in a theme park costume named Mickey Mouse.”

The extraterrestrials attempted to clarify their request by asking for the individual in charge of Earth’s “biggest problems.” This only deepened the confusion, as responses ranged from “Jeff Bezos” to “Your mom.” Frustrated, the aliens reportedly hopped back into their spacecraft after snapping a few selfies at the Grand Canyon.

“They said they’ll return when we figure it out,” a NASA official reported. “Until then, they’re categorizing Earth as a galactic-level dumpster fire.”

So, if the GFOP ever comes back, let’s hope we’ve sorted out our leadership crisis, or at least prepped Beyonce for an intergalactic performance.