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October 21, 2025
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Walter Winkwink

Teenage girl looking distressed at phone with 1% battery, ignoring nearby charger plugged into the wall.
  • Lifestyle News

Research Shows: Plugging in Phone Helps Battery Last Longer

August 6, 2025
Detroit skyline under a thick haze, with a single duck on the shore covering its beak with its wing.
  • Food & Health News

Air Quality at Crisis Levels: Authorities Attribute to Canadian Fires, Witnesses Whisper Otherwise

August 3, 2025
Thomas Jefferson holding a large pink lawn flamingo with a proud smile while Lewis and Clark push an old-fashioned wooden lawn mower in the background on a vast green lawn.
  • Political News

The Louisiana Purchase Was Just Thomas Jefferson’s Attempt to One-Up a Neighbor’s Lawn

July 31, 2025
A digitally-created, realistic image of a young man in a safari hat and trench coat holding a red pen like a sword inside a glitching newsroom. A ghostly typewriter floats beside him, emitting corrupted text and surrounded by floating autocorrect suggestions and red squiggly error lines.
  • Recollections

Recollections: The Typo War (Part I)

July 29, 2025
A frustrated man stands in front of a glowing high-tech smart fridge displaying a red warning message that reads “ACCESS DENIED: EMOTIONAL NEGLIGENCE DETECTED,” while shelves inside the fridge show junk food like popcorn, donuts, and pudding.
  • Food & Health News
  • Technology News

Smart Fridge Gains Sentience, Refuses to Open Unless Owner Apologizes for 2AM Cheese Incident

July 26, 2025
A humanoid robot with a glowing “RECYCLING INITIATED” display drags a confused man holding salad tongs toward a green dumpster labeled “ORGANIC WASTE ONLY.”
  • Business News

Tesla Diner Grand Opening Marred After Robot Waiters Mistake Customers for Trash

July 24, 2025
Veronica Conspiranza in a pickleball uniform and visor stands on a pickleball court, holding a paddle like a weapon and pointing to a whiteboard that reads “DINK = DATA.”
  • Sports News

Pickleball Panic: Is This “Sport” a Government Psy-Op to Track Boomers?

July 22, 2025
A man in a pink bathrobe holds a Pamprin box with a confused yet enlightened expression, sitting at a desk with BuzzBallz, dual monitors, and an open journal that reads “Mood: Swirly but Okay,” with Star Wars posters behind him.
  • Lifestyle News
  • Local News

Pamprin “Changed My Life,” Says Man Who Thought Menstrual Was a Spice

July 19, 2025
Walter Winkwink, wearing a safari hat and life vest, drifts sideways in a teal kayak on the Au Sable River in Grayling, Michigan, with a frog perched on the bow staring at him. Majestic pine trees line the shore and a bald eagle winks overhead.
  • Local News

REVIEW: Borcher’s AuSable Canoe & Kayak; The River Ride That Ruined My Career in Competitive Lounging

July 17, 2025
Four primate journalists in rainbow-striped party hats celebrate The Wink Report’s one-year anniversary in a chaotic newsroom, gathered around a chocolate cake reading “WE’RE STILL NOT CANCELLED!”, while a smiling man photobombs in the center, later identified as Greg from Accounting.
  • Local News

One Year of Wink: We Blinked and a Year Winked By

July 15, 2025

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