Walter Winkwink

Teenage girl looking distressed at phone with 1% battery, ignoring nearby charger plugged into the wall.

Research Shows: Plugging in Phone Helps Battery Last Longer

Detroit skyline under a thick haze, with a single duck on the shore covering its beak with its wing.

Air Quality at Crisis Levels: Authorities Attribute to Canadian Fires, Witnesses Whisper Otherwise

Thomas Jefferson holding a large pink lawn flamingo with a proud smile while Lewis and Clark push an old-fashioned wooden lawn mower in the background on a vast green lawn.

The Louisiana Purchase Was Just Thomas Jefferson’s Attempt to One-Up a Neighbor’s Lawn

A digitally-created, realistic image of a young man in a safari hat and trench coat holding a red pen like a sword inside a glitching newsroom. A ghostly typewriter floats beside him, emitting corrupted text and surrounded by floating autocorrect suggestions and red squiggly error lines.

Recollections: The Typo War (Part I)

A frustrated man stands in front of a glowing high-tech smart fridge displaying a red warning message that reads “ACCESS DENIED: EMOTIONAL NEGLIGENCE DETECTED,” while shelves inside the fridge show junk food like popcorn, donuts, and pudding.

Smart Fridge Gains Sentience, Refuses to Open Unless Owner Apologizes for 2AM Cheese Incident

A humanoid robot with a glowing “RECYCLING INITIATED” display drags a confused man holding salad tongs toward a green dumpster labeled “ORGANIC WASTE ONLY.”

Tesla Diner Grand Opening Marred After Robot Waiters Mistake Customers for Trash

Veronica Conspiranza in a pickleball uniform and visor stands on a pickleball court, holding a paddle like a weapon and pointing to a whiteboard that reads “DINK = DATA.”

Pickleball Panic: Is This “Sport” a Government Psy-Op to Track Boomers?

A man in a pink bathrobe holds a Pamprin box with a confused yet enlightened expression, sitting at a desk with BuzzBallz, dual monitors, and an open journal that reads “Mood: Swirly but Okay,” with Star Wars posters behind him.

Pamprin “Changed My Life,” Says Man Who Thought Menstrual Was a Spice

Walter Winkwink, wearing a safari hat and life vest, drifts sideways in a teal kayak on the Au Sable River in Grayling, Michigan, with a frog perched on the bow staring at him. Majestic pine trees line the shore and a bald eagle winks overhead.

REVIEW: Borcher’s AuSable Canoe & Kayak; The River Ride That Ruined My Career in Competitive Lounging

Four primate journalists in rainbow-striped party hats celebrate The Wink Report’s one-year anniversary in a chaotic newsroom, gathered around a chocolate cake reading “WE’RE STILL NOT CANCELLED!”, while a smiling man photobombs in the center, later identified as Greg from Accounting.

One Year of Wink: We Blinked and a Year Winked By