Black Friday Shoppers Train with MMA Fighters: “If You Can Survive the Octagon, You Can Survive Walmart”
In a groundbreaking partnership between retail chaos and cage fighting, MMA gyms nationwide are now offering Black Friday Survival Training. With Walmart aisles rivaling the brutality of an MMA octagon, shoppers are suiting up and squaring off in preparation for the most dangerous sport of all: snagging a $12 crockpot before someone else does.
The six-week program, cheekily dubbed “Punches, Deals, and Elbows,” trains participants in vital Black Friday skills such as doorbuster dashes, cart blocking techniques, and the ever-crucial flying leap for the last flat-screen TV. The final exam? Grappling an opponent for a PS5 in under 30 seconds while dodging rogue shopping carts.
“Black Friday isn’t just shopping; it’s survival of the fittest,” explained MMA trainer Chuck “The Bargain Bruiser” Daniels. “The key is cardio, situational awareness, and a killer elbow strike for line-cutters.”
Participants have raved about the program’s life-saving benefits. “Last year, I went for an Instant Pot and came home with a black eye,” said local mom Becky “The Brawler” Simmons. “This year, I’ll be the one handing out bruises in the appliance aisle.”
The training even includes Walmart-specific scenarios like dodging rogue toddlers on tricycles and fending off sweet old ladies wielding coupon books like nunchaku. For the advanced class, students are locked in a mock aisle with two other trainees and one discounted air fryer. “It’s fight or fry,” said participant Jeff Horton, who proudly displayed his cauliflower ear as proof of dedication.
Retail workers, meanwhile, are skeptical of the program. “They should offer this training to us,” said one exhausted cashier, sipping Red Bull while sharpening her price scanner like a samurai sword.
MMA gyms report a 200% increase in enrollment ahead of Black Friday, with participants already eyeing next year’s challenge: Black Friday at Costco. As trainer Daniels put it, “If you can survive Walmart, you’re ready for the big leagues.”
The shopping mayhem begins at midnight. May the odds and the elbow strikes be ever in your favor.
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