BREAKING: Wind Officially Declared a Jerk After Stealing Hats and Pushing Grandma Over

Meteorologists have finally had enough. In a historic press conference, leading weather experts formally declared wind to be “a massive, unrelenting jerk,” following its most recent crime spree of hat theft and unsolicited elderly toppling.

“This isn’t just a breezy misunderstanding,” said Weather Watch Network spokesperson Wendy Windsworth. “This is full-blown meteorological bullying.”

Residents across the country have reported an alarming increase in wind-related aggression, from aggressive snowdrifts to dramatic door-slamming that shatters both windows and spirits. But the final straw came when 78-year-old Phyllis Frostybottom of Lansing, Michigan, was sent sprawling in the Meijer parking lot by what witnesses describe as “a rogue gust with bad intentions.”

“I was just minding my own business, gripping my shopping cart like a normal person, when BAM! That wind came out of nowhere like it had a personal vendetta against my osteoporosis,” Frostybottom explained. “Next thing I know, I’m on the ground, my hair is in my mouth, and my Werther’s Originals are rolling across the parking lot.”

Meanwhile, reports of stolen hats have skyrocketed, with fedoras, beanies, and even a few unlucky toupees disappearing into the sky, presumably never to be seen again. Victims say the wind doesn’t discriminate. It’s targeting the young, the old, and everyone in between.

“I lost my Detroit Lions cap yesterday,” said local man Goffrey Fumblehat. “Honestly, the wind probably did me a favor. But still, it’s the principle.”

Experts believe wind’s erratic behavior could be linked to years of pent-up frustration after being constantly blamed for bad hair days and Marilyn Monroe dress malfunctions. “It’s lashing out,” said meteorologist Dr. Linda Gusterson. “Decades of unappreciation will do that to a natural force.”

In response to the wind’s ongoing reign of terror, lawmakers are considering a ban on lightweight patio furniture and may introduce mandatory chin straps for hats. As for Phyllis Frostybottom, she’s not taking any chances: “I’m investing in ankle weights and a helmet. This isn’t over.”

Meanwhile, scientists warn that we could be seeing the rise of an even greater menace: wind’s old college roommate…humidity.

The Weather Watch Network advises Michiganders to secure all headwear, hold on to elderly relatives, and prepare for future gust-based attacks. Citizens are encouraged to report all wind-related crimes, though law enforcement reminds residents that yelling into the sky is unlikely to yield results.