Mars Colonization Plan Hits Snag as Martians Sue U.S. for Trespassing on ‘Ancient Martian Ancestral Land’
A coalition of Martian underground dwellers has filed legal action against the United States government, claiming the attempted American colonization of Mars violates their “ancestral and legally protected subterranean territories.”
The controversy erupted after President Donald Trump, during his inauguration speech, declared that America would be “sending the biggest, most beautiful flag to Mars” as part of his new “Make Mars Great Again” initiative.
“Other countries talk about Mars, but we’re doing Mars, folks,” Trump announced. “And we’re gonna make it American. We’ll plant the biggest flag. Massive. You wouldn’t believe how big. Right on that red dust. It’ll be tremendous.”
However, NASA’s initial efforts to claim Mars took an unexpected turn when the Perseverance rover detected an official legal summons posted on the edge of Crater Galle. The document, written in both Martian glyphs and inexplicably perfect English, cited violations of “Interplanetary Land Rights”, “Illegal Occupation”, and “Unauthorized Drilling for Dumb Reasons”.
According to their legal representative, Xylborf the Exasperated, the Martians have occupied Mars for over 10,000 years, albeit underground to avoid “Earth’s reality TV broadcasts and general stupidity.”
“We left the surface long ago because we saw what you humans were doing to your own planet,” Xylborf stated. “And now, you want to bring that same energy here? Hard pass.”
In response, Trump took to X, furiously tweeting: “TOTAL FRAUD! These so-called Martians are FAKE. Probably sent by China! Mars is OURS. Always has been!!!”
The lawsuit has left NASA in an awkward position, as legal experts debate whether an Earth-based court has jurisdiction over Martian law. Meanwhile, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk has offered to mediate the dispute, but only if he’s named “Emperor of Mars”.
As of press time, the Martians have agreed to negotiations, on the condition that Earth stops sending them spam emails about extended car warranties.
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