Milky Way Rebrands as “Oat Milk Galaxy” to Attract Younger Demographics
Earth, reluctantly embracing the oat milk trend, sips with quiet existential dread while the Moon rocks sunglasses and total Gen Z apathy.
In a bold move to remain relevant in a universe dominated by digital trends and plant-based preferences, the Milky Way has officially rebranded as the Oat Milk Galaxy, according to a press release that appeared in the foam of a barista’s latte at a Brooklyn coffee shop this morning.
The decision comes after a centuries-long identity crisis and declining engagement from Gen Z stargazers, who reportedly found the name “Milky Way” to be “problematic, lactose-forward, and colonialist-adjacent.”
“We just weren’t vibing with the dairy thing anymore,” said Nebula420, the galaxy’s new Director of Vibe Management, who wears a bucket hat made of dark matter. “You can’t be out here calling yourself ‘Milky’ when the youth are all about oat, almond, or…whatever the froth is trending now.”
The rebrand includes an updated logo: a hand-drawn swirl in beige and brown, captioned with the phrase “Cosmically Creamy, Universally Cruelty-Free.” Plans are underway to update astronomy textbooks, telescope firmware, and at least one Pink Floyd album cover.
But not everyone is on board.
“I’ve been orbiting this thing for four billion years and now I gotta pretend I live in a gluten-free beverage?” complained Earth, who reportedly rolled its axis when told. “Next they’ll be putting me in a recyclable straw. Do I get served with cinnamon dust and self-righteousness now, too?”
The rebrand also introduces new galaxy-wide marketing initiatives, including a monthly Zodiac Zine, mood-based starlight filters, and a sponsored collaboration with the Andromeda Galaxy titled, “Oat Milk Sisters: Spilling the Galaxy Tea.”
Astronomers, meanwhile, are scrambling to update years of research, with NASA issuing an internal memo clarifying that the name change does not, in fact, affect the fundamental structure of the galaxy, “just its aesthetic and moral superiority.”
Critics warn this could set a precedent, with whispers that Black Holes may soon rebrand as “Oblivion Vortexes” and Asteroids are considering the term “Space Chonks.”
As of press time, NASA has received a cease-and-desist from a local vegan coffee chain claiming “Oat Milk Galaxy” was the name of their experimental kombucha latte released in 2023. A celestial legal battle is pending.
Stay tuned as we follow this ridiculous shift through the stars, one galaxy trend at a time.
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