Musk Announces “Tesla Vandalism Loyalty Program”: Key Five Cars, Get a Free Subscription to X Premium

In an unprecedented move that has left both Musk-haters foaming at the mouth and Tech Bros updating their LinkedIn hustle posts, Elon Musk has officially launched the Tesla Vandalism Loyalty Program, rewarding individuals who vandalize Teslas with a free one-year subscription to X Premium.

“Why fight the trend when you can monetize it?” Musk tweeted at 3:14 AM, while probably launching a rocket and sipping on Diet Code Red Mountain Dew. “We’re giving back to the people who care enough to interact with our vehicles. Engagement is engagement.”

Under the program, anyone who vandalizes five different Teslas (keying Cybertrucks count for double points due to their “scratch-resistant” stainless-steel exteriors) can submit photographic proof to Tesla’s new “Brand Engagement Department.” If verified, the vandal will receive a free X Premium subscription, complete with the ability to edit posts, post longer videos of their crimes, and participate in Musk’s weekly “Cage Match Polls” against Mark Zuckerberg.

To prevent fraud (because obviously, that’s where Tesla draws the line), all vandalism submissions must be geotagged and timestamped. “This ensures authenticity and protects the integrity of the program,” said a Tesla spokesperson, struggling to keep a straight face.

Industry experts are baffled but intrigued. “Normally, companies discourage people from destroying their products,” said marketing analyst Dr. Felicity Snark. “But Musk’s approach, turning Tesla vandalism into viral marketing, is either genius or a sign of late-stage capitalism collapsing in on itself. Maybe both.”

Tesla enthusiasts, meanwhile, have begun pre-keying their own cars to rack up points. “I wasn’t gonna do it,” said self-proclaimed Tesla superfan Bryce Wiffleton, “but when I realized I could get a blue checkmark AND piss off people in the comments section, it just made sense.”

As controversy swirls, Musk remains unfazed. “Key a Tesla, key into the future,” he tweeted. “Or just buy a Cybertruck and watch people do it for you.”

At press time, Ford was reportedly exploring a similar program involving throwing bricks at the F-150 Lightning.