New Telescope Detects Parallel Universe Where Everyone Still Has AOL Email and Flip Phones
A flip phone drifting in zero gravity with the AOL mail icon glowing on its screen
In what researchers are calling either “a scientific breakthrough” or “a horrifying glimpse into our collective past,” NASA’s newest space telescope, The RealEyes-9000, has captured undeniable evidence of a parallel universe; one where technological evolution screeched to a halt in 2004.
The first images revealed a world eerily similar to Earth, with a notable difference: everyone still uses AOL email, and flip phones are considered cutting-edge.
“This alternate dimension seems to function entirely on dial-up internet and passive-aggressive AIM away messages,” said lead researcher Dr. Cletus Von Bing. “There’s also evidence of landlines, fax machines, and a Blockbuster Video with a line out the door.”
Even more alarming? Citizens of this universe still ask, “Can you hear me now?”, as if Verizon’s spiritual awakening never occurred.
When pressed to name the alternate dimension, the international science community reached consensus unusually fast. “It just…feels like Ohio,” one astronomer said while clutching a Motorola Razr and sobbing softly to a playlist labeled NOW That’s What I Call Music Vol. 13.
The “Ohioverse,” as it’s now trending, also features:
- Gas prices under $2
- Chain restaurants as cultural epicenters
- Local elections decided by a single radio DJ named “Rick the Traffic Guy”
- A complete absence of TikTok, crypto, and gluten-free anything
Attempts to communicate across dimensions have been met with confusion. A transmission from NASA, encoded with advanced quantum data, was reportedly answered with a blurry JPG of Garfield holding a sign that read “I Hate Mondays.”
The Pentagon has since labeled the Ohioverse both a “low-level threat” and “a compelling tourism opportunity for nostalgic uncles.”
As for what’s next, scientists plan to investigate rumors of a neighboring parallel dimension allegedly frozen in 1997. Early signals suggest strong Backstreet Boys activity and a thriving Beanie Baby stock exchange.
More as this story develops…or whenever the connection stabilizes. If you still check your AOL email daily, this story might hit too close to home@aol.com.
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