The Forbidden Fruit: How Apple Became the Evil Overlord of Smartphones

Long ago, Apple was the scrappy underdog, the rebellious innovator that changed the game with a touchscreen phone that made flip phones look like prehistoric fossils. Then, somewhere between Steve Jobs’ last keynote and the release of the $1,500 iPhone, Apple went full cartoon supervillain, the kind that sits in a dark lair, stroking a hairless cat and laughing maniacally as they remove yet another essential feature from their devices.

Every year, Apple fans gather around their screens like peasants waiting for the king’s decree, only to be told that the “next big thing” is actually less of a thing than last year. No headphone jack? “It’s for your own good.” No charger in the box? “Think of the environment!” iPhone battery suddenly dying the second a new model drops? “Totally a coincidence.”

At this rate, the iPhone 20 will just be an empty box with an Apple logo sticker, and Tim Cook will convince people that this is actually innovation.

Apple fans are the only people on Earth who will proudly defend paying four times the market price for something their Android-using friends got for free back in 2014. “No, dude, you don’t get it. This new iPhone has a dynamic island!”

Android users: “That’s literally just a hole in your screen.”

But Apple fans don’t care. They’re in too deep. They’ve already sold a kidney for their last upgrade, and besides, what other phone can make their texts blue?

Apple’s strategy is simple: trap users in an ecosystem so closed off it makes North Korea look like an open-concept coworking space. Want to switch to a non-Apple device? Too bad. Your AirPods will start gaslighting you, your MacBook will refuse to sync with anything, and Siri will whisper “traitor” in your sleep.

While Apple users are paying extra for the privilege of basic human rights, Android users are out here living their best lives, customizing their home screens, side-loading apps, and not having to buy an adapter just to use wired headphones like some kind of peasant.

Sure, Android devices don’t have “ecosystem synergy,” but they also don’t charge you $50 for a replacement charging cable made out of what we assume is melted-down unicorn bones.

Apple isn’t just selling phones anymore. No, they’re selling a lifestyle. A world where you willingly throw money at a trillion-dollar company just to stay in the club. And you better believe they’ve got big plans for the future.

By 2030, expect the iPhone 25 Ultra Plus Max to be completely wireless. No ports, no buttons, and no screen. Just a subscription that charges you $99/month for the idea of owning a phone.

And Apple fans? Oh, they’ll eat it up. Because at the end of the day, they don’t buy iPhones because they need them.

They buy them because Apple told them to.

Stay strong, Android warriors. The revolution is coming.