The War on Fruitcake: Activists Demand More Inclusive Holiday Desserts
In a bold move destined to reshape the holiday dessert landscape, activists have declared war on fruitcake, calling it a relic of outdated, exclusionary culinary traditions. The group, Desserts for All, held a press conference outside a local bakery this week, wielding signs like “No More Nuts in Our Treats!” and “Raisins Don’t Represent Me!”
Their demands? A holiday season free from fruitcake tyranny, replaced by a dessert lineup that reflects the full diversity of today’s dessert-loving populace.
“Fruitcake is a dessert of oppression,” declared spokesperson Sugar Bea Sweeten. “It alienates nut-allergic individuals, polarizes those with texture sensitivities, and blatantly ignores people who believe dried fruit should stay in trail mix where it belongs.”
Critics argue the movement is an overreaction, citing fruitcake’s centuries-old tradition of being re-gifted to unsuspecting relatives who “forgot to bring wine.” But Sweeten is undeterred. “Holiday desserts should be about unity, not divisiveness. Why should we settle for a cake that’s more brick than treat? It’s time for progress!”
The proposed alternatives are as diverse as the group itself. Suggestions include “Cultural Cakes” featuring global flavors, “Gender-Fluid Jell-O Molds,” and “Consent Pies,” which come with a detailed ingredient list and a pen to sign waivers. There’s even a push for something called “Existential Crème Brûlée,” which caramelizes your midlife crisis with every bite.
Of course, not everyone is on board. Fruitcake traditionalists, calling themselves Preservers of Dense Pastries (PDP), argue that fruitcake represents resilience. “It’s survived centuries, wars, and that one weird office Secret Santa,” said PDP member Candace Crust. “Surely it can survive the woke mob.”
Meanwhile, the bakery world is divided. Some have embraced the movement, offering “nut-free fruitcake-inspired kale brownies,” while others cling to the old ways, doubling down on recipes with extra candied cherries and fewer apologies.
Whether the fruitcake falls or rises (albeit slightly), one thing is certain: this holiday season, dessert tables everywhere will be the site of a sugar-coated battle for the ages. And honestly, who wouldn’t want to watch that?
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