U.S. Border Closed for Renovations: No More Illegal Aliens, Only Illegal Builders Allowed

The U.S. government has announced that the southern border is officially closed for renovations. As part of an ambitious “Border Beautification Initiative,” the country will no longer accept illegal aliens, unless, of course, they come with a hard hat, tool belt, and a Pinterest-worthy vision for a new border wall.

“We’ve decided to replace the ‘illegal immigrants’ narrative with something a little more productive,” said one anonymous government official. “If you’re going to sneak across, at least bring some drywall, a couple of power drills, and help us with these improvements. It’s time to remodel!”

The new policy will allow illegal immigrants only if they demonstrate a solid understanding of basic construction techniques and a keen eye for design. “Don’t just sneak in with a suitcase,” said the official. “Come prepared to break a sweat, lay some bricks, and maybe even throw in a water feature or two. It’s about creating a space for everyone to enjoy…even if it’s temporary.”

Critics have raised concerns about the new approach, questioning if it will lead to an influx of DIY enthusiasts turning the border into the next HGTV hit show, Borderland Bargain Hunters. However, supporters argue that it’s a step in the right direction. “This could solve all of our border problems,” said a spokesperson for the National Homebuilders Association. “We’re all for giving people a chance to build a future…and a fence…at the same time.”

As for those hoping to sneak into the U.S. without a construction background, the government suggests they learn a trade or take a weekend workshop. Until then, it’s “no more free passes, just free passes to Home Depot.”