FDA Finally Admits: Everything Tastes Better with a Sprinkle of Denial
In a press conference held behind a Chili’s in Bethesda, Maryland, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) finally came clean: the key ingredient that makes most American food palatable isn’t sugar, salt, or MSG. It’s denial.
“It turns out the American palate responds best when seasoned with a healthy dose of ‘I don’t want to know,’” admitted FDA spokesperson Dan Cheezle, nervously sipping a Diet Code Red while adjusting his necktie made entirely of Fruit Roll-Ups.
For years, the FDA has quietly approved food products containing substances that sound less like ingredients and more like rejected Marvel villains. Sodium benzoate, Red 40, and something ominously labeled “natural flavors,” which could legally be squirrel tears or the essence of regret.
Cheezle revealed internal FDA documents show a trend: the more ambiguous the ingredient, the higher the approval ratings. “When people can’t pronounce it, they assume it must be important,” he explained. “Also, if it glows in the dark or melts plastic, it tests great with the 18-34 demographic.”
Health experts are divided on the revelation. Dr. Sylvia Sprout of the University of Kaleifornia stated, “Denial is rich in mental preservatives. It pairs well with processed cheese and existential dread.”
Meanwhile, the American public seems unfazed.
“I saw a TikTok that said Hot Cheetos cure anxiety,” said one teenager while pouring nacho cheese over a bacon-wrapped corn dog. “So yeah, I’m basically a wellness guru now.”
In response to the backlash, the FDA has announced a new labeling initiative:
“May Contain Traces of Reality.”
Coming in 2026, food packaging will include QR codes linking to a video of a nutritionist screaming into a pillow.
Until then, the FDA recommends consumers continue to do what they do best: ignore the label, eat emotionally, and wash it all down with a 72-ounce “hydration vessel” of cola marketed as “fitness water.”
Bon appétit, America. Denial. Now with 20% more flavor.
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