Abe Lincoln’s Stovepipe Top Hat Was Just a Portable Snack Dispenser

Four score and several snacks ago…

When people think of Abraham Lincoln, they imagine honesty, tall tales, and an even taller hat. But newly “rediscovered” documents from the Smithsonian Institution suggest that Honest Abe’s famous stovepipe hat may have been less of a fashion statement and more of a functional charcuterie container.

According to alleged diary entries from Lincoln’s personal valet, the 16th president suffered from frequent “congressional cravings” during long debates. His solution? A custom-fitted hat with hidden compartments for jerky, hard-boiled eggs, and what historians now believe was the 1800s version of Lunchables.

“He once pulled a whole pickle out during a Cabinet meeting,” the diary claims. “Chase nearly fainted. Seward asked for one.”

Witnesses from the Gettysburg Address say Lincoln paused not for dramatic effect, but to discreetly chew a mouthful of salted peanuts hidden beneath his hat lining. A young boy reportedly asked, “Is he crying for the fallen, or did he bite into a spicy meat stick?” To which Lincoln allegedly replied, “Both, son. Both.”

While Mary Todd Lincoln was reportedly “furious” about the constant crumbs in bed, Abe insisted the hat kept him “mentally sharp and lightly salted.”

Fashion experts have since dubbed Lincoln the “Father of Functional Formalwear.” Modern influencers now refer to the trend as Stovepipe-core, featuring snack-laden fedoras and ranch-dispensing bonnets.

Of course, skeptics argue this is all nonsense and likely fabricated by the Nacho Historical Revisionists Association, but leaked sketches show a diagram labeled “Emancipation Pro-snacker,” complete with jerky drawer and cheese-wax separator.

So, the next time you’re at a history museum and you see Lincoln’s iconic hat on display, ask yourself: Is it hollow? And if so, is there still a Slim Jim inside?