Burned Out, Broke, and Buzzing on Foam: A Wink Report Editorial

I once believed burnout was something that happened to people who used scented candles unironically or wore yoga pants to board meetings. But this past Saturday at 2:37 a.m., I discovered the truth.

It began innocently enough. Just me, nine browser tabs, a lukewarm double punch, double crunch, double bubble latte with double foam, and a dream…ahem. I was writing five articles, researching how tariffs on imported cheese were affecting underground fondue clubs, and simultaneously trying to short-sell Wink Report stock (despite being a privately held LLC run by monkeys).

Then it hit me like a stimulus check wrapped in disappointment: burnout. Real, tangible, soul-sizzling burnout. I found myself weeping into a spreadsheet while muttering, “Is oat milk a write-off?”

And it’s not just me. According to a study I made up moments ago, 74% of workers have stopped working entirely and now just open their laptops to watch stock charts nosedive like synchronized divers. The Dow Jones did a cartwheel last week. The NASDAQ left a breakup note. Even my Keurig started making decaf without asking.

Experts (probably) say the surge in burnout is directly linked to “economic whiplash,” “tariff fatigue,” and something called “Zoomface.” Workers no longer fear getting fired. They fear getting one more Teams notification that reads, “Hey, quick question…”

Even the Wink Report monkeys, our unpaid but heavily banana-compensated writing staff, are showing signs of protest. One of them submitted an article entirely in banana peels. Another replaced all the punctuation in our CMS with shrieking sounds. The loudest simply stared at me, unblinking, and slowly flipped a tiny desk over.

It’s clear that burnout isn’t just knocking. It’s juggling flaming office supplies in the lobby.

So if things seem to slow down a bit around here, with fewer articles, slightly more typos, maybe a monkey running tech support, rest assured, we’re still here. We’re just shifting into a slightly lower gear. Not stopping…just coasting…preferably downhill…in a wheelbarrow full of snacks.

Keep reading, stay weird, and please, never try to unionize monkeys without wearing a helmet.