From Hangovers to Regrets: A Step-by-Step Guide to January 1st

Congratulations! You survived another year and somehow ended up face-down on your living room carpet, clutching a party horn and a slice of pizza you don’t remember ordering. It’s January 1st, the day humanity collectively stares into the abyss of its choices. Here’s your step-by-step guide to embracing the chaos.

Step 1: The Awakening
Your alarm clock? The unforgiving sunlight piercing through your blinds. Your first thought? “Never again.” Your second thought? “What year is it?” You crawl to the kitchen like a medieval peasant seeking water from a magical spring, only to find a battlefield of red Solo cups and half-empty bottles of “champagne” (aka $5 sparkling wine).

Step 2: The Recollection
Fragments of last night’s events flood your brain like a bad TikTok montage. Was that karaoke? Did you actually sing “Livin’ on a Prayer” while standing on a coffee table? And who brought the pet iguana? You’ll piece it together slowly—mostly through incriminating photos your so-called friends post on social media.

Step 3: The Resolution Revolution…er…Revelation
Ah, New Year’s resolutions: society’s cruel joke. You jot down the classics: “Eat healthier,” “Exercise more,” “Learn Italian.” Then, in a burst of misplaced ambition fueled by leftover champagne, you add “Overthrow the government,” “Bankrupt the uber-rich,” and “Finally understand how cryptocurrency works.” By noon, you’re halfway through a bag of potato chips, scrolling Reddit threads about revolution, and convincing yourself that learning Italian can wait until the new regime installs a better educational system.

Step 4: The Survival Meal
Forget brunch; you need carbs and grease. Enter the Holy Trinity of hangover cures: pizza, bacon, and regret. You tell yourself this is self-care while googling, “Can pizza count as a vegetable?”

Step 5: The Social Audit
Time to face the texts. Your inbox is a minefield of “Happy New Year!!!” messages, mysterious photos, and one text from your boss: “We need to talk Monday.” You consider fleeing the country but settle for muting notifications.

Step 6: The Netflix Cocoon
By evening, you’re cocooned in a blanket, binging a show you’ll never admit to watching. Resolutions can wait. January 1st is for healing, denial, and mentally preparing to screw up all over again.

Happy New Year! Same you, different calendar.