New Study Finds 90% of Americans Are Just 3 Bad Days Away from Moving to Canada

A groundbreaking new study has confirmed what many Americans already suspected: 90% of them are just three consecutive bad days away from selling their belongings on Facebook Marketplace and heading north to Canada.

The study, conducted by the Totally Real Institute for Statistical Truths, found that while Americans have tolerated decades of rising costs and political absurdity, a new combination of government AI policies, skyrocketing prices, and sheer exhaustion is pushing them to their breaking point.

The Three-Day Doom Spiral

According to researchers, the average American can withstand an impressive amount of financial and emotional abuse. $7 gas, $15 Big Macs, and a $12,000 emergency room bill for stepping on a Lego. But what really sends them into “I’m moving to Canada” mode is the following sequence of events:

The Cost of Living Becomes a Bad Joke

Waking up to find that rent has increased by 40% overnight while wages remain stuck in 2015 levels is bad enough. But when they also realize that eggs are now a luxury item and their utility bill rivals their student loan payment, they start Googling “How many sweaters do I need to survive a Canadian winter?”

Trump’s New AI Executive Orders

In what some are calling Skynet Lite, former President and once-again President Donald Trump recently signed executive orders expanding AI’s role in government. Under the new rules, AI will not only be used for decision-making in federal agencies but will also have the power to “fact-check” its own decisions. Additionally, Americans may now be required to negotiate with AI-powered IRS bots that have been programmed to feel nothing but deep, corporate-level indifference.

“I got an email saying my taxes were being audited by an AI named FiscalBot-9000,” said one concerned citizen. “When I called the helpline, it just played a five-minute clip of Trump saying ‘We love AI, folks. It’s tremendous AI, believe me.’ I blacked out from stress.”

The Straw That Breaks the Patriot’s Back

The final push comes in the form of a personal disaster, like a $700 car repair for a burnt out headlight, their landlord converting the apartment into an Airbnb, or being forced to interact with an AI-powered McDonald’s drive-thru that demands to see their W-2 before allowing them to buy a McDouble.

At that point, 90% of Americans admitted they’d rather endure -40°F temperatures than another day in the United States.

Canada’s Response

The Canadian government, always polite, has responded to the study by reinforcing its borders with moose and Tim Hortons employees trained in polite rejection.

“We’re flattered, truly,” said Canadian Prime Minister Justin Tru-d’eh. “But we’re also a little concerned. Our healthcare system is free, but it’s not that free.”

Experts say Canada is preparing for an influx of Americans by stockpiling maple syrup and introducing emergency courses on apologizing convincingly.

The Harsh Reality

Despite the temptation, many Americans who attempt to flee quickly realize the flaws in their plan.

“I had my bags packed and was ready to go,” said Florida resident Greg Walters, “but then I remembered my passport expired in 2007, and I’d have to go to the DMV. And I’d rather just suffer here.”

For now, they’ll continue grinding away, hoping that Canada will one day introduce a “Sad American Fast-Track” program. Until then, they’ll just take deep breaths and pretend AI overlords and $10 gas don’t exist, at least until Starbucks raises its prices again. Then all bets are off.