Friendsgiving Replaces Family Gatherings Nationwide

PLYMOUTH, MA—The hallowed burial grounds of Pilgrim ancestors were reportedly “up in arms” this week as the modern phenomenon of Friendsgiving eclipsed traditional Thanksgiving celebrations nationwide.

“It’s a slap in the face,” said a spectral William Bradford, who materialized during a local séance. “We crossed the Atlantic on a wooden death trap for this? You think I endured scurvy, hypothermia, and a total lack of Wi-Fi so that future generations could share artisanal charcuterie boards with friends instead of family?”

The rise of Friendsgiving, a casual feast where people gather with their chosen friends instead of enduring the familial chaos of Thanksgiving, has ruffled more feathers than a turkey at an ax factory. For Pilgrims, whose survival once depended on collective family labor, the concept is baffling.

John Carver, first governor of Plymouth Colony, expressed his disbelief. “When we were building colonies, ‘Friendsgiving’ meant borrowing your neighbor’s axe and maybe returning it. Now it’s themed cocktails and ironic sweaters?”

Critics argue Friendsgiving is a practical evolution of the holiday. “Look, I love my family, but if Aunt Linda mentions her cleanse one more time, I’m yeeting my mashed potatoes into the sun,” said Karen Tucker, a self-proclaimed Friendsgiving enthusiast.

But not everyone is a fan. Puritan ghosts have reportedly begun haunting Friendsgiving gatherings, slamming doors whenever someone mentions “good vibes only.” A recent Brooklyn dinner party experienced mysterious cold drafts after a host swapped the turkey for a quinoa-stuffed acorn squash.

Meanwhile, Hallmark has doubled down, releasing a line of Friendsgiving-themed cards reading: “When your real family is just too much.”

As for the Pilgrims, they remain in existential despair. “Next thing you know,” moaned Miles Standish, “they’ll skip gratitude altogether and celebrate…TikToksgiving!”