He Sees When You Are Sleeping: Santa Claus is Coming to Court

In a legal bombshell shaking the North Pole to its candy cane core, a coalition of children worldwide has filed a class-action lawsuit against Santa Claus, alleging “egregious and persistent violations of privacy.” The plaintiffs, represented by the elite legal firm Stocking, Stuffer, & Tattlebaum, accuse the jolly gift-giver of unlawful surveillance, emotional distress, and fostering paranoia.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping? He knows when you’re awake? That’s borderline stalker behavior,” stated Charlie Stockington, 8, the lawsuit’s lead plaintiff. “I didn’t agree to have my life monitored like some kind of holiday Truman Show!”

The children’s primary grievances center around Santa’s notorious “Naughty or Nice List.” Legal experts argue the list violates GDPR, HIPAA, and possibly even the Geneva Conventions. Claims of Santa’s infamous “he knows if you’ve been bad or good” policy has created a culture of fear and anxiety among minors. “I haven’t slept properly in months,” said Clark Kringle, 7, clutching his Spider-Man blanket. “Every time I pick my nose, I wonder if Santa’s watching.”

Santa’s legal team released a statement calling the accusations “ho-ho-hogwash.” Santa himself, speaking from his gingerbread-lined courtroom, defended his practices. “I’ve been doing this for centuries! If you want a PS5, you gotta follow the rules. It’s not my fault some of these kids are out here using permanent markers on the cat and insisting it’s a reindeer makeover, and blaming it on their siblings.”

But privacy experts disagree, calling Santa’s methods invasive and outdated. “This isn’t the North Pole of the 1800s,” said Dr. Carol Frost, a professor of Holiday Ethics at Mistletoe University. “We live in a post-cookie-consent world. You can’t just watch kids through some kind of magical surveillance network and call it tradition.”

Meanwhile, public opinion is divided. Parents have rallied behind Santa, with some calling the lawsuit “a shameless cash grab” designed to get early access to presents. Others, however, say the Big Red Man’s snooping has gone too far.

As the case heads to trial, children worldwide are rallying for their privacy rights with chants of “No Justice, No Jingles!” Legal experts predict a landmark ruling. As for Santa, sources say he’s preparing for his day in court by loading up on eggnog and hiring the best legal elves money can buy.