New Study Finds That 100% of People Reading This Are Alive

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In a groundbreaking study that has shaken the scientific community to its core, researchers at the Institute of Obvious Studies have confirmed that 100% of people currently reading this article are, in fact, alive. The study, which took years of meticulous research, government funding, and unnecessarily complex algorithms, has finally proven what some suspected but were too afraid to say out loud.

Lead researcher Dr. Rick Obviousson explained the methodology behind the findings: “We analyzed thousands of subjects across multiple demographics, testing various theories, and it became clear that every single participant who read the words on the screen was still breathing.”

The revelation has already sent shockwaves through social media, with many users questioning the implications. “Wait, so if I stop reading, does that mean…?” tweeted @DeepThoughts420 before immediately deleting the post.

The study, published in the Journal of Things Everyone Knew Already, shows that among 100,000 test subjects, exactly 100,000 were alive while reading. Not a single case of posthumous reading was recorded, despite attempts to include ghosts, zombies, and certain members of Congress in the study.

Dr. Obviousson emphasized the importance of these findings: “We believe this could revolutionize how we think about reading, existing, and consuming internet nonsense. For too long, people have read articles without truly appreciating the gift of life. This study proves that if you’re reading, you’re winning.”

Some skeptics remain unconvinced. Conspiracy theorist Chad Wokeington claims the study is “just another hoax by Big Science” and insists that “the government doesn’t want you to know that ghosts are actually reading your Facebook posts.”

Meanwhile, motivational speakers have embraced the findings, with one viral tweet declaring: “If you’re reading this, congratulations! You have a 100% success rate at being alive so far. Keep going!”

As for the next phase of research, Dr. Obviousson and his team have teased a follow-up study titled “Study Shows That Stopping Breathing for Extended Periods May Have Consequences.”

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Walter Winkwink

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